This morning I confronted an old
friend acquaintance of mine, in regards to why he had unexpectedly removed me as a friend on Facebook. He stated his reasons and justified them relatively well, although the words ”you no longer are a part of my life” undeniably bewildered me for a few minutes.
He removed me due to something that happened roughly three years ago, which was completely legit from his side (as the story involved a third person), although a quiet question emerged in my mind. How could certain events that date back to almost my 18th birthday, still serve as persuasive pretexts for current rational decision making?
I feel a sudden urge to write (which I've been meaning to do for a while), as I begin reflecting à propos de certains aspects that could potentially explain the contrasted views we retain with this person.
Three years ago I arrived in Paris in a mentally messed up state of mind; lacking confidence, amid regrets, and simply not aware of who I authentically was as a person. When I now look back at those journal entries I’d made a couple of months prior to my departure in 2015, I realize how significant my journey towards individualisation and personal growth has been.
Perhaps the first year with my Tété and Mimile as neighbors was the most prominent era. My inner fears and beliefs were pushed to their ultimate limits, eventually shattering - what had conditioned my earlier identity - into thousands of pieces that no longer had the identity of a puzzle. It is difficult to formulate sentences that would accurately depict the transformation I underwent during the period lasting from autumn 2015 until summer 2016.
Ever since, each year in Paris has constituted, in one way of another, a specific catalyser for various aspects of personal growth.
The second year, which was undoubtedly less delirious than the previous one, became a time when I ultimately faced those anxieties that had dwelled inside of me for too long. Having moved away from my neighbors, who had evolved into the fundamental pillars supporting this new life of mine, compelled me to face my loneliness. A melancholy network of alienation which was ultimately disentangled by the arrival of an already familiar individual, who showed me the wonders of Brussels. This beautiful soul pulled me out from a gloomy state, revealing a certain beauty in life from which I had estranged myself.
As I currently am moving towards an end of the Parisian era, my recollections of this previous year are nothing but positive. Although returning to the city of light after a summer spent in Finland initially rendered me nauseous, a peculiar encounter in the late days of September 2017 thoroughly altered my perceptions. A young Finn entered my life, who I met in a jazz bar through a mutual friend, to whom I owe my eternal gratitude. The numerous hours dedicated to profound discussions around home-made dinners and Rivolux beers, along with des balades and occasional picnics in the Parc de Tuileries, serve as proof of the existence of genuine connections. The sentiment of solitude has gradually vanished, and has been replaced by the invariable consciousness of always having someone to talk to.
I admit having slightly gone off topic here. But perhaps my main point simply comes down to the subject of personal growth, time and context. There is no denying that the actions taken by my (ex- ?) friend evoked certain feelings of bitterness inside of me, as I've long assumed that the errors made in the past can remain in their historical context. Forgive and forget, right?
The Western trend of "finding oneself" in escaping to the remote corners of the world has never really allured me (I decided not to embark on justifying this trend by les rites d'initiation from my anthropology of gender course), but it has definitely seemed to satisfy a number of my acquaintances. Yet, I've witnessed several individuals simply vanishing into thin air, as they plan of "starting again". Although I'm no one to judge, I wonder whether it is necessary to obliterate all links that remind one of "the old you", or if one cannon't embrace those "flaws" in the process of accepting our personal evolution?