Monday, March 05, 2018


This morning I confronted an old friend  acquaintance of mine, in regards to why he had unexpectedly removed me as a friend on Facebook. He stated his reasons and justified them relatively well, although the words ”you no longer are a part of my life” undeniably bewildered me for a few minutes. 
He removed me due to something that happened roughly three years ago, which was completely legit from his side (as the story involved a third person), although a quiet question emerged in my mind. How could certain events that date back to almost my 18th birthday, still serve as persuasive pretexts for current rational decision making? 
I feel a sudden urge to write (which I've been meaning to do for a while), as I begin reflecting à propos de certains aspects that could potentially explain the contrasted views we retain with this person.

Three years ago I arrived in Paris in a mentally messed up state of mind; lacking confidence, amid regrets, and simply not aware of who I authentically was as a person. When I now look back at those journal entries I’d made a couple of months prior to my departure in 2015, I realize how significant my journey towards individualisation and personal growth has been. 
Perhaps the first year with my Tété and Mimile as neighbors was the most prominent era. My inner fears and beliefs were pushed to their ultimate limits, eventually shattering - what had conditioned my earlier identity - into thousands of pieces that no longer had the identity of a puzzle. It is difficult to formulate sentences that would accurately depict the transformation I underwent during the period lasting from autumn 2015 until summer 2016. 
Ever since, each year in Paris has constituted, in one way of another, a specific catalyser for various aspects of personal growth. 
The second year, which was undoubtedly less delirious than the previous one, became a time when I ultimately faced those anxieties that had dwelled inside of me for too long. Having moved away from my neighbors, who had evolved into the fundamental pillars supporting this new life of mine, compelled me to face my loneliness. A melancholy network of alienation which was ultimately disentangled by the arrival of an already familiar individual, who showed me the wonders of Brussels. This beautiful soul pulled me out from a gloomy state, revealing a certain beauty in life from which I had estranged myself. 

As I currently am moving towards an end of the Parisian era, my recollections of this previous year are nothing but positive. Although returning to the city of light after a summer spent in Finland initially rendered me nauseous, a peculiar encounter in the late days of September 2017 thoroughly altered my perceptions. A young Finn entered my life, who I met in a jazz bar through a mutual friend, to whom I owe my eternal gratitude. The numerous hours dedicated to profound discussions around home-made dinners and Rivolux beers, along with des balades and occasional picnics in the Parc de Tuileries, serve as proof of the existence of genuine connections. The sentiment of solitude has gradually vanished, and has been replaced by the invariable consciousness of always having someone to talk to. 

I admit having slightly gone off topic here. But perhaps my main point simply comes down to the subject of personal growth, time and context. There is no denying that the actions taken by my (ex- ?) friend evoked certain feelings of bitterness inside of me, as I've long assumed that the errors made in the past can remain in their historical context. Forgive and forget, right? 
The Western trend of "finding oneself" in escaping to the remote corners of the world has never really allured me (I decided not to embark on justifying this trend by les rites d'initiation from my anthropology of gender course), but it has definitely seemed to satisfy a number of my acquaintances. Yet, I've witnessed several individuals simply vanishing into thin air, as they plan of "starting again". Although I'm no one to judge, I wonder whether it is necessary to obliterate all links that remind one of "the old you", or if one cannon't embrace those "flaws" in the process of accepting our personal evolution? 

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

A New Start

Although I initially planned on writing this post for myself, I began to realize that perhaps my social as well as intimate experiences that I have come across during the past year, would not necessarily have to be private. Once I publish this post, it will remain visible for myself as well as god-knows-who, but it will hopefully remain on a website which I can access during the several up-coming years.

31st of August 2015

While I gaze at the sad-looking, closed suitcases, I begin to search for my opener which can hopefully help at opening the bottle I bought at Helsinki airport just a few hours ago.
My 8m2 apartment feels so strange and yet so... me? With my glass in my left hand and a cigarette in my right, I finally gather the courage to open the immense windows which give access to the evening street view into the calm, beautiful neighbourhood of the 16ème arrondissement of Paris. I light up my last cigarette and gaze at the pedestrans who pass by my window. An elederly man smiles and says "Bonsoir" to which I respond with the same greeting. As he walks away, I focus on the music that is being played a couple of blocks away- perhaps Yann Tiersen?

This memorable evening was my first step into a new world; a new beginning. Having left everything behind me in Finland; family, friends and those haunting memories of everyday life in high-school, I finally had my life in my own hands. Not a single soul was familiar to me in Paris, which seemed as a spine-chilling thought in the beginning. And I loved it.

The first weeks of university were a combination of trauma and joy; my French oral skills (not to mention the written ones) were absolutly nowhere close to where they should have been, which resulted in the lack of courage in approching new people. And as I seemed to be the only foreigner (or at least categorized as one, although everyone obviously had different cultural backgrounds in their blood), I was approched with curious attitudes by people who spoke on a level a little bit too quickly for my comprehension.
Into middle of the semester, when the routine with classes had taken its course, I met someone very special. I first met Hugo through a friend, while smoking a cigarette by the university entrance, where he gave a certain withdrawn and cold impression of himself. The very typical, well-dressed Parisian type, I would have said. And yet, within the first 24 hours of having been introduced, we were laughing and establishing one of the most genuine connections I have ever created with another a human being. Cooking (although he was the one to do most of the work while I sipped on my red wine) and spending long evenings in my apartment became one of the most memorable and frequent occasions of my Parisian autumn. I still distinctly recall that one chilly morning in early December, when we made our way towards classes while sharing a baguette and listening to Sky and Sand. The numerous adventurous that I was lucky enough to share with Hugo are countless; afternoon glasses of wine in cafés, intoxicated nights in Oberkampf... Mostly, this person gave me a feeling of belonging; that we are not alone in the world to feel so unique or to share a certain perspective of humanity and emotions.

When September had come and gone, I began to make acquaintance with my neighbours; the three musketeers that we eventually became: those of apartments 2, 10 and 13. The most provocative trio of the otherwise conservative neighbourhood I dare say. The beginning of our friendship was rather interesting, as the constant presence of a certain character (one that I would never have thought of meeting nor becoming friends with at the age of 19), gave an unclear course to our everyday life. The intoxicated nights spent in Paris are infinite, where meeting new people and enjoying techno clubs became fascinating and a little too frequent. However, during the following months, things began to calm down which really was the last sane solution.
My two neighbours, who mean the world to me, go by the names of Tété and Mimile. In a nutshell, not a day in Paris has gone by when I would not have seen these two individuals. They have allowed me to be who I truly am, and have encouraged me to approach the unknown, for which I can never be more thankful. They also brought me to do my laundry for the first time in two months, for which my friends must also probably be thankful...

Autumn passed quickly, although, when looking back at it, every day seemed to last for a lifetime.

Returning back home in January was all I wanted. Spring in Paris opened my eyes to Nuit Debout, which became quite a famous sensation overseas. My dear communist neighbour introduced me to the exclusive Parisian manifestations, where I encountered tear gas and covering my face with a scarf for the first time. The sensation of being united along with the hundreds of Parisians who protested against the proposed labour reforms made me feel more part of a community that I had ever felt before; the times of macarons and walking along the Champs-Élysées had definitely come to an end. Along with the protests came the evenings at the Place de la République, which carries a long history of fighting for equality and justice in France. At this specific square, I spontaneously met new charming individuals with whom we played Djembe drums until 5 a.m, while dancing and drinking. At times an orchestra would gather at the center of the square, and while we climbed up the statue, I could see thousands of people sitting down while gazing and listening to the beautiful symphonies.
It remains one of the most mesmerizing views I have ever witnessed.

Another special individual, who I first met while searching for a suitable bathroom (that we never found) during a house-party, was Ines. The unbelievable circumstances that had both led us to Paris made it easy for us to understand each other in indescribable ways. While we sat in the Jardin des Tuileries, she played her guitar while I could do nothing else but smoke my cigarette and admire her voice. Already having had a difficult time with becoming close friends with the female gender, Ines gave an insight to what a beautiful friendship between women can be, without the fear of backstabbing or ugly rumors. Her consistent positive energy and help helped me carry on, even during the most difficult of times.

While I sit here on my balcony back in Helsinki, I yearn to return to Paris in September. Although the lack of French blood in me makes it difficult to call myself Parisian, I still dare call it home. The past year has truly allowed me to become at ease with myself, which for the past 18 years, seemed like an impossibility. The surprising fact of having passed the first year of my studies has shown that one can overcome these sort of challenges. Thus, I can confirm my current status with great joy:

Complete in Paris.

                                                               I Giorni - Ludovico Einaudi 

Sunday, December 13, 2015


I'm not sure if anyone will see my latest update.
But I felt like posting some photos concerning my current life.

I'm the happiest I've ever been.
I live in Paris XVI, have met the some of the most inspirational and fascinating people as well as been smoking a pack of Lucky Convertibles every day.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

bits from summer '14

It's been over a year. ..
Bits and pieces from summer 2014 , poor quality and even a poorer quantity of footage

Saturday, July 20, 2013


It is nothing less than humbling to be bestowed with the honour and the privilege of  being able to take photos of the home of one of the Cotswolds' best Cricket teams, wot wot. - Tresco 

Tired. Extremely. Long and stressful night, thankfully now behind me.
Oxfordshire is beautiful. 

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Want Art? I'll give you pencils.

Happy Midsummer!
Unaware if midsummer actually is even recognized in other parts of the world; in Finland - undoubtedly. The sun barely sets and it's sunny almost 24/7. 
Spent these two wonderful days with my Indian Soulmate. 
Heading to Spain tomorrow - see you in a month! 

- veronica 

Monday, June 10, 2013

Sunday, June 09, 2013

The sun sets at 22.41 p.m

kaunis päivä rannalla, ihanan ihmisen seurassa. 


Monday, June 03, 2013